Reclaiming the holiday spirit

When I was about seven, my grandfather died. It was mid-July. For the twelve years that followed before my grandmother passed too, our Christmas holiday was a somber one. We kids tried to enjoy the festivities, but Nana's grief over missing Grandpa always hung like a rain cloud in the atmosphere.

After Nana died in 1990, just before Christmas, my father continued this tradition of moping at Christmas time. Reminiscing each Christmas about how he misses them, how they would have loved to see their grandkids growing up and what things about the holiday were their favorites.

Seven years ago, my father also passed away and also in December, as if in his death he carried on this mourning. The Christmases that followed were tough on all of us, feeling that sadness as well as the emptiness of our small family grown even smaller.

Earlier this year, my brother passed away, at the untimely age of 39. He at least had the decency to cross after the holidays, but sadly enough for his wife, did it a week before Valentine's. This December has the makings of another sad holiday, especially because my brother's 40th birthday would have been on the 21st.

But this year, as my childhood family is down to a bare minimum of two people left living, I declared to my mother that I can no longer allow the black cloud of sorrow to hang in the air anymore. Yes, I do miss my family very much. But I've had it with dead people ruining the holiday for those of us living. I know it sounds crass in writing, but it is intended in good spirit, as my family would know. Those of us left behind should not let our sadness ruin the current potential for happiness. And I'm sure those who've crossed over would want us to continue to celebrate and be happy in this life.

I do it for me. And I do it for my kids, who don't need to be taught that Christmas is a sad time. Missing their uncle is something they've learned to live with. They have a right to plenty of happiness.

Here's to a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

What's going on?

My life is taking me on emotional roller coasters lately. I feel like I'm on the verge of something big, then I find I'm just heading in the wrong direction. Or am I? I'm having a hard time staying centered lately, listening to my inner voice. My inner child keeps getting excited about stuff and my enthusiasm seems to get in the way. I get reality checks that hit hard, but don't point me in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just not hearing it.

Self-fulfilling prophecy or just plain psychic?

You know the words. The little bits of wisdom people put at the end of their emails. Or at the top of their Myspace. Or just stuff they write in their blogs. Just a sentence or two here and there. Is there anything to them? What inspires people to write what they do, and how does it affect their lives? Is it possible that what we quote inspires us on some higher level to live by the words of the quote? Or are we in tune to the workings of the universe in some way that what we choose to quote is actually a premonition, a foreshadowing of the events to come?

When my brother joined Myspace last year, he wrote in his about me section "I don't know if I really belong here." And this February, he died unexpectedly. Did he know in some way that he was leaving?

I joined Myspace last fall and in the spirit of the release of the latest Harry Potter flick, I put the quote "Difficult times lie ahead, Harry" at the top of my profile. Did I know in some subconscious way that indeed, difficult times did lie ahead for me?

Is the anybody out there?

So what's the deal with Myspace and Friendster? I joined both groups within the last six months and have successfully found a handful of people with whom I had lost contact. And I question now, well, what's the point of these programs? I mean, I found these friends, contacted them, and most responses just ended up as me being added as their "friend" and vice versa. No real rekindling of old friendships.

So what I want to know, in some way, are these services messing up with our soul circles? If the people in our lives come and go or stay at the appropriate interval for which our souls were meant to connect (i.e. just chatting in Social Studies or forming a life-long bond), now that we have found the internet and are reaching out (and working hard to doing so) to find old friends, are we sending some sort of ripple out into the universe? Something that potential throws off our original life paths? Are we really meant to reconnect with the friend who ditched us for someone more popular in junior high? And why would we want to?

So why do I keep checking my messages like some sort of crazed person to see if anyone wrote me?

Just starting out

Just signed up for this today and getting used to how the whole thing works.